John Moltz

Good times. Good times.

Remember the quaint old days before 9/11 when lying under oath could get you impeached?

Ha-ha! Ahhhh...

We were all so young!

You, particularly! I mean, look at you! All that hair! Ha-ha! All dressed up in that grunge wear! That plaid shirt was like three sizes too big for you!

Oh, for fun!

Well, in this post-9/11 world of things that have happened since 9/11, it's good to see that we don't let little things like lying to Congress under oath prevent someone who's done such a bang-up job prosecuting the war on things loosely tied to terror from getting promoted.

I mean, we didn't let her incompetence bother us, why should we let a little thing like lying?

Tomorrow's headlines today

KERRY LIES ABOUT PRISONER ABUSE

Caught in an ever-growing web of his own deceit, John Kerry attempted today to explain away a statement made yesterday concerning recent revelations of the abuse of Iraqi prisoners. Kerry's explanations have been called "Clinton-esque" by Republicans, who say this incident proves the Senator is unfit to be Commander-in-Chief.

Speaking to AP reporters, Kerry said of the abuse "But look this is, this is the frosting."

Bush campaign spokesperson Karen Hughes said "These pictures, and the allegations of rape, beatings and murder are clearly not frosting.

"Perhaps in liberal Massachussetts frosting is having to expose your genitals and take a broom stick up the butt, but in middle America, the America represented by George W. Bush, frosting is a confectionary topping consisting of sugar and egg whites.

"Frosting is really delightful. Having a broom stick up the butt is not, in any way, delightful. Unless you're John Kerry, apparently."

As the controversy began to swirl about him, Kerry decried Republican criticism of the comment.

"First of all," Kerry said, "I was not describing the abuse. I was describing Donald Rumsfeld's horrible job as Secretary of Defense. I thought he should have been fired months ago and recent events have only served to put metaphorical 'frosting' on a 'cake' that is made up of Secretary Rumsfeld's misdeads. Give me a break."

AP reporters were unable to confirm the existence of what Senator Kerry called "metaphors", which he defined as "a figure of speech in which a word or phrase literally denoting one kind of object or idea is used in place of another to suggest a likeness or analogy between them" by press time, but Republican National Committee Chairman Ed Gillespie said "Maybe in liberal Massachussetts they have these crazy figures of speech in which a word or phrase literally denoting one kind of object or idea is used in place of another to suggest a likeness or analogy between them, but in Middle America, the America represented by George W. Bush, everything is taken literally."

Harkening back to former President Clinton, Gillespie added "Listening to Senator Kerry, one expects him to start arguing with himself about the definition of 'is' or to rush into the Oval Office and have sex with an intern, or... or... for him to suddenly start to try to force himself on me sexually.

"Well, maybe in liberal Massachussetts men force themselves on other men sexually, but in Middle America..."

As the Kerry campaign attempted damage control today, several cable news channels were feverishly booking military experts and pastry chefs to analyze in detail the differences between torture and frosting.

"I wasn't comparing frosting and torture!" a frustrated Kerry yelled, involking frightening, red-faced images of Howard Dean.

Dude, you DID NOT just post that!

[butthead]

Huh-huh.

He said "snowballing."

Huh-huh.

"Gay marriage is snowballing."

Huh-huh.

[/butthead]

(I guess Kevin hasn't seen Clerks.)

Who needs satire?

Polaroid Warns Film Users Not to "Shake It"

Outkast fans like to "shake it like a Polaroid picture," but the instant camera maker is warning consumers that taking the advice of the hip-hop stars could ruin your snapshots.

Next they'll be telling me not to "get jiggy wit it."

Dean bribed with "package" full of "coke"

Dean Accepted Special-Interest Money

Well, OK, the AP doesn't really know that he was bribed. Actually, according to the article, Dean didn't do anything illegal at all.

But in a 1993 letter to Dean, Primmer wrote that two insurers were sending a gift to the governor, described only as a "package," after Dean met with them to discuss the bill that would provide new tax breaks.

"We don't know it was coke," AP reporter John Solomon said, "but, really, what else could it have been?

"Still, we took out the reference to 'coke' because we haven't yet received word that it was actually coke that the insurers sent to the governor. But our best guess indicates it was the purest Columbian crank. I think in Vermont they call it 'the other snow'."

I'm glad the AP is on top of this. God knows we don't want our elected officials trying to get corporations to donate to charities.

Dean spokesman Carson replied: "As Governor he started a charity that provided hundreds of computers to the poorest kids in the state and he's not going to make any apologies for that."

What about the coke?!

White House To Save Cub Fan.

In an effort to protect the life of the unnamed Cub fan who prevented Moises Alou from catching a fly ball in the eighth inning of the Cubs' loss last night, the White House has offered Major League Baseball a solution. Should the Cubs lose to the Marlins tonight, the President will go on national television immediately following the game and announce that he will not rest until the fan "is hunted out."

The President, who previously has threatened to "hunt out" Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, and has expressed his hope that the person responsible for leaking the name of a CIA operative will also be caught, is seen by many as the fan's last hope.

"So far the President's track record is perfect," said Bud Selig, Commissioner of Major League Baseball. "He's zero for three. We feel that the best way to ensure this fan's protection is to have the President promise to find him."

National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice said, "By promising to track this offender down, the President will make Cub fans feel that they don't have to do it themselves. Then the President will do what he does best.

"Which... uh... well... he, um... he..."

Security experts were at a loss to explain exactly what it was the President might do, but many believed it would involve an extended vacation at his Crawford ranch, several rounds of golf with various celebrities, and possibly an attack on Syria.

Vice President Dick Cheney believed that a large, no-bid contract to a "major player" in the defense industry might also be in order.

Stock in Halliburton was up on the news.

(Thanks to James for the seed of this idea.)

Clark Caught In Another Lie

Shocking news from the Clark campaign this afternoon. As the latest entrant to the Democratic field struggled with accusations that he lied about Karl Rove not returning his calls, Clark was caught in yet another falsehood.

In New York to unveil his economic plan, Clark quipped to supporters "I just flew up from Washington and, boy, are my arms tired!"

According to records obtained from American Airlines and forwarded by members of the Republican National Committee, Clark did fly up from Washington D.C. earlier in the week, but on a Boeing 727, not under his own power as he indicated.

RNC spokesperson Nancy Wright said "Clark's outrageous claim to possess the ability of independent flight shows that he cannot be trusted to tell the truth to the American people."

A spokesperson for the Clark campaign stared at reporters incredulously for several moments before yelling "It was a fucking joke! Are you people dense?! What is your major malfunction? Jeez!"

(Note: Continetti backs up his "Clark is a liar" crap with the bullshit George Will contention that you can only believe if you didn't read Clark's original words. Did he say he was called by the White House or anyone "around the White House"? No. He said the White House was pushing Iraq/9-11 ties and he received a call. He didn't say from whom. But, Will's fabrication makes a nice smokescreen to prevent having to discuss Clark's allegation. This shit is contemptible.)

Bush's Base Vows To "Pitch In" On Iraq.

With President Bush slipping in recent polls and increasingly vulnerable on issues of security and the war in Iraq, his base of mega-wealthy, white, privileged individuals has vowed to "pitch in" to help.

"Why, George gave me a $200 million tax cut," said Laughton Oswold-Degroot, III, of Greenwich, Conn., while adjusting his cravat. "The least I can do is pitch in on this whole... Iraq, is it? Mmm, yes. This whole Iraq mess."

Oswold-Degroot was not able to immediately pinpoint exactly where an "old money" Republican such has himself might be able to help out.

"I don't suppose they need someone to sit around and look smarmy, do they? Ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha! Ha! Ha. Ah... mmm, I suppose rather not."

Brandishing an unused hand trowel she found in their 5-car garage, Oswold-Degroot's wife, Beverly, said "I daresay our boys just haven't done enough digging for those weapons of most disruption!"

Surprised by the laughter of her husband, Beverly asked "What? What did I say?"

But rich suburban socialites are not the only ones willing to help out the President. Rich oil men, cattle ranchers and lumber barons have also vowed to chip in.

Bob Cranston, President of Cranston Oil in Houston, Tex., said "Now, I know ol' W has a thing worked out with ol' Dick about them ol' Halliburton boys getting everything under the hot desert sun, but I sure as shootin' heck wouldn't mind gettin' me a piece of that Iraqi pie, neither.

"Actually, just a chance at biddin' on it'd be nice. You know, just as a common courtesy."

Lumber tycoon E. Lamont Graveston said, "Bush has done such a swell job promoting our need to cut a swath through the forests... with the saws and the bulldozing and the little animals running, yelling 'Ooh! Help us! Help us environmentalists!' Ha-ha! And, finally, the screaming and the grinding and the flying of blood-soaked sawdust and fur and..."

"I'm sorry. What was the question?"

This is news?

According to the AP, the Bush campaign will use a "web site" to reach out to those who aren't connected enough to get invited to pay $2,000 for a hot dog with Vice President Dick Cheney. A "web site" is something on the "world wide web" (WWW) that all the young people are talking about these days. It uses state of the art "technology" to display "things" that "enable" those duped by fear and the false lure of riches to contribute part of their "severance packages" or their "reduced combat pay" to the Bush campaign. While sources were sketchy about details, the "web site" may have "buttons" and a "progress bar" showing how many legal black voters the administration has managed to wipe from the rolls this time around. It is unknown at this time whether visitors to the "web site" will "get" the "irony" of Bush trying to reach out to people he doesn't know, when the benefit of every policy decision he makes lands firmly in the lap of one of his "good buddies."

It's working!

Hey, I was just served by Fox News! Excellent! Check it out:

Dear Sir or Madam,

It has come to our attention that you have wrongfully infringed on our copyright of the phrase "Fair and Balanced." Fox News obtained a lawful copyright of said phrase after a weekend bender and that one dude - what's that dude's name? Tony. Right, it was Tony. After Tony came up with the whole idea to sell the channel as being "Fair and Balanced."

We were like, dude, you are so wasted! I mean, the dude was drinking cheap scotch with packets of strawberry Quick in it! He was so fucking wasted.

Anyway, when Monday morning rolled around, we were like, whoa, what did we do this weekend? Did Tony suggest copyrighting "Fair and Balanced"? Did O'Reilly really sleep with that Pollack guy? Did Ann Coulter really swallow that hamster whole?

Still, after a mess of coffee and some carbo-loading we were still thinking... hmm... "Fair and Balanced."

So, we copyrighted it. I was like, no way they're going to let us copyright two words of the English language that, let's face it, so don't apply to us, strung together by a conjunction. The lady at the copyright office kept lookin' at us funny because we kept snickering when she said "Fair and Balanced"! Ha-ha! Oh, man, that was funny.

But they let us have it! I could not believe it!

So, um, yeah, so that's why you can't use it. Because it's ours now. So shove off.

Also, Tony patented scotch with strawberry Quick and he's going to sell it as "Strawtch" or maybe "Scoberry". I dunno. He's working on a name. But don't drink scotch with strawberry Quick. First of all, because it's nasty and second because Tony patented it.

Actually, I think maybe you can drink it but you need to send him a quarter.

OK, look, we'll catch you later, bud. We go a whole mess of these to send out.

Rock on.

I'm not sure who Fox's legal representation is but, um, they should look into that.